


find out your hiding places again

by scrxbble



Category: Not Another D&D Podcast (Podcast)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Post-Canon, Rebuilding, Sibling Bonding, background Beverlin, background Everyone, egwene kindleaf i care you, if you want proper grammar read something else, recovering, she's a teen who's been through a lot, they're all here chilling don't worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:35:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25830688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scrxbble/pseuds/scrxbble
Summary: Egwene sits, alone, in one of her old perches above the city. She is not wearing her armor, and she is unused to the feeling. There is an unlit cigarette halfway to her mouth, dangling between fingers that are used to holding bowstrings.
Comments: 14
Kudos: 22





	find out your hiding places again

**Author's Note:**

> spiralling about egwene? it's more likely than you think  
> title from lorde's love club

Egwene sits, alone, in one of her old perches above the city. She is not wearing her armor, and she is unused to the feeling. There is an unlit cigarette halfway to her mouth, dangling between fingers that are used to holding bowstrings. She watches the city, what remains of it, below her, and is stopped by the realization that she’s  _ bored. _ And she’s  _ tired. _ And she’s  _ lonely _ . And-

And it’s nice, to be back in Galaderon, rebuilding, and nice to be in the Toegold’s house while everything is still settling in, and nice to have Martha around to take care of Nana and nice to have Beverly around to annoy her all the time, but it’s hard to pass by the road she used to turn down for school or the street market where she bought groceries or their once-standing house and see only a half-excavated wreckage of her old life and-

And she’s not good at cooking, or she doesn’t want to be, because it’s never interested her all that much, but Martha insists that she at least knows how to use the stove without burning anything down, and even though she can’t ever seem to keep the griddle from getting too hot and the batter is watery, Erlin doesn’t mind burnt pancakes as long as there’s chocolate chips in them and he teases her for getting butter in her hair and she elbows him and says that teasing him is her job and-

And she wants to help out with the rebuilding, but every time she leaves the house she worries she won’t come back, worries that she won’t be able to protect them, worries that she won’t be able to protect herself from getting so utterly  _ hoodwinked _ again, and she spends so long worrying that she barely ever makes it out the door and even then she’s always looking over her shoulder, making sure there aren’t winged figures approaching her front door, always replaying the lessons she took on how to kill in one shot, and-

And sometimes she shoots upright at midnight and can’t breathe because Erlin’s gone and he’s trapped and they’re in danger and the world is ending, and she can’t calm down or go back to sleep or  _ breathe _ , goddamnit, until she’s seen Erlin asleep in his bed, Nana next door, Beverly and Martha down the hall in their own bedrooms. And even then, her hands shake until she’s checked all the doors and windows and she can’t lay down and rest so she sits, holds her bow over her knees, watches the door until her eyes can’t stay open anymore, and Beverly wakes her quietly in the morning and he’s got a hand on his own sword, and they both look so tired and weary and  _ old, _ and-

And there are people her age around, helping uncover homes and heal people and protect the city, but they all laugh and joke and  _ love _ so easily, and they say  _ Hardwon _ and  _ Moonshine _ and  _ Beverly _ with reverence, and when Egwene mentions one day that she knows them - that Moonshine inspired her acid-tipped arrows, that Hardwon is picking up her airship flying lessons from where Red left off, that Beverly isn’t  _ cool _ , he’s a fucking  _ dweeb _ \- when she mentions that, they stop looking at her the same, and she doesn’t mind with some of them, because their jokes aren’t that funny, but it would be nice not to hang out with someone between the ages of sixteen and twenty-six for once, and-

And Erlin understands, mostly, but he has Beverly, and he’s still just a kid, and he can afford to stay one for a while longer. And Hardwon understands, sort of, but he never knew his parents and now he does, and it’s not the same as knowing your parents and then losing them. And no one understands, entirely, but they try to, and that’s almost worse. And-

And she wouldn’t wish her fate on anyone, not in a million years, because she knows firsthand how much it aches, deep down, like it’ll never fade, and it hits her in waves, like when Erlin laughs in a certain way or when she hears Nana hum in her rocking chair or when Hardwon cheers at a sharp turn she executed or when Paw-Paw’s fur brushes up against her leg and suddenly they’re there and they’re gone and they won’t come back and they never left all at the same time - her dad laughing at a bad joke her mom made, her mom singing while she repairs Egwene’s church clothes from an impromptu game of tag in the back field, Red clapping her on the back and making the airship jolt and throwing them both to their knees, Gunther thinking he can just squeeze past behind her and never fitting and Egwene responding by pushing further back against him. And then the moment passes and Erlin has a worse sense of humor than their dad did and Nana can’t sew anymore because of her arthritis and Hardwon is a lot more reckless at flying airships than Red was and Paw-Paw is scrambling up her leg to get to her cigarettes and she loves the ones who are still here so deeply that she worries she doesn’t have room in her heart to miss the ones who are gone, so she shoves Erlin to get him to stop giggling and repairs her quiver herself and rolls her eyes when Hardwon compliments her and tells Paw-Paw that Moonshine doesn’t like it when he smokes, and she makes sure there’s still space left for everyone else deep in her heart. And she tells people her heart is black and cold, and she acts like it is, and she tries to convince herself that she doesn’t love everyone so deeply and so thoroughly and so entirely that she could fit the entirety of Bahumia in her heart.

And she’s bored, but she helps excavate the old church of Pelor and rights the altars, and she figures out how to brake the Stormborn so fast that Hardwon goes flying over the wheel, and she stands by Martha’s side halfway paying attention as she makes pasties and brings one to Nana when it’s done.

And she’s tired, but she gets up early to watch the sunrise with Erlin, and she doesn’t always sleep through the night but she’s getting better at it, and she and Beverly trade off night shifts when they’re feeling extra paranoid and keep each other company in the quiet hours while their family sleeps.

And she’s lonely, but she visits the Crick and finds the stash of acidic arrows that Melf had left behind in his stump, and she goes to Irondeep to meet King MacGannis and his adopted heir and Captain of the Guard Jaina, and she crashes Beverly and Erlin’s movie date nights as their chaperone and pretends not to notice when they steal quick kisses next to her.

And she’s sad, deep down, and she will always be, and she’s lonely, deep down, but there are people who understand, sort of, and they might not understand entirely but they understand enough, and she doesn’t understand them entirely either but she tries her best.

And she sits in one of her usual hideouts, and it hasn’t changed but the world has, the city has,  _ she _ has, and she thinks maybe it’s changed for the better.


End file.
